That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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