my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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