She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
