Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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