I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
