We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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