He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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