I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
