Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
