youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
