And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
