Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
