fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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