Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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