u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
