i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
