doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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