You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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