remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
