why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
