he thought i was a dude.
i love accidental penises.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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