I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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