I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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