remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
