Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
