not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
