I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
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I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
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I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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