I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
