You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
