it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
