True but thats because hes a fetus.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
