dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
