Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
