took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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