mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
