Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
whose parrot is this?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
