Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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