Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Randomize
