yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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