Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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