a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
