Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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