Where are you?
In a non slutty way
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
