God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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