we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
this is an emotional support booty call
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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