i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
