Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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