you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
