I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
