I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
