I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
