i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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