Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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